Jokes Bucket

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!”

Silence

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: “Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said: “That’s
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!”

A few days after Christmas, a
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, “All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we’re going to take-off
now.”

The
mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of

language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language.” Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, “All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again

soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today.”

As the
mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who
are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the

kitchen.”

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport

were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your

parking location but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So
it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to
the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways
747 (radio call
Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206:
“Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active.”

Ground: “Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.”
The British Airways 747
pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not
know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m
looking up the gate location
now.”
Ground (with typical German
impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt
before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop.”

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this

announcement from the captain, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to

inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will
shortly
crash into the ocean.” The passengers were obviously very
worried about
this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the
captain’s next
announcement. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa
have prepared for
such an emergency, and we would now like you to
rearrange your seating so
that all the non-swimmers are on the left
side of the plane, and all
the swimmers are on the right side.”

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to

comply with the captain’s request. Two minutes later, the captain
made
a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made
an announcement, “Ladies and Gentlemen we
have crashed into the
ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of
the plane, open you
r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
plane. For all of
the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… “Thank You
For Flying
Lufthansa.”