Jokes Bucket

An airline pilot wrote that on this

particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at

the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks
for
flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone
would have a smart comment, but no one seemed
annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking

with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny,
mind
if I ask you a question?”

“Why no Ma’am, what is
it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state

fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in

that there airplane.” And
every year Edna would say, “I know
Fred, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is
ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred
said, “Edna, I’m 71
years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this
year I may never get
another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there
airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a
deal.
I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire
ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you
say one word
it’s ten
dollars.”

Fred and Edna agreed
and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls
and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
tricks over
again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to
Fred, “By golly, I did everything
could think of to get you to yell
out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say
something when Edna fell out, but
ten dollars is ten dollars.”

An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point,
when confronted
with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo. During the final
days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United flight was
canceled.

A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, “I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to
try to help you,
but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m
sure we’ll be able
to work something out.”

The passenger
was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him
could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating,
the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microp
hone. “May I have your attention please?” she began, her
voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the

gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his

identity, please come to gate 17.”

With the folks behind him in
line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore “F— you.”

Without flinching, she smiled
and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll
have to stand in line for
that, too.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an
announcement over the intercom,

“Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and
relax - OH MY GOD!”

Silence.

Then, the captain came back
on the intercom and said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the flight-attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said,
“That’s nothing. You should see the back
of mine!”