Jokes Bucket

A guy comes
walking into
a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black
and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is
taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and
asks:
“What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the
man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than
your dog!”
“Not
a chance!”, replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy…
you take your dog and let him stand at one
end of the bar. Then go
and stand at the other end of the room and call
your dog. I’ll bet
you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my
turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The
bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of

three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and
throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and
smashing into the wall and says -

“I WIN… Told you it’ll
be there before your dog!”

A guy
walked into a bar
and said
“Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.”

But
when it was time to pay, the guy didn’t have the money, so the

bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing,
ordered a beer for everyone,
even the bartender, and the bartender beat
him up since the guy
couldn’t pay.

Then the next day, the
guy said “Beers for everyone! But not you,
bartender!”

The
bartender said “Why?”

The guy replyed “You’re violent when
you’re drunk!”

After the Great Britain Beer
Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I
would like the
world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off
a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from
Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world,
give me ‘The
King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him
one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky

Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy
from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The
bartender is
a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other
brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you

drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I

figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

An armless man walked into a

bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a
drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the

glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man
finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam
from his lips.

The
bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man
said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is
your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replies -,
“The
closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the
street.”

A man walks into a pub

and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog

bite?”

“No.”

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge
chunk out of his leg.

“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
the man says indignantly.

“That’s not my dog.”