Jokes Bucket

A neutron walks into a bar.

“I’d like a beer” he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a
beer.
“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
“For you?”
replies the bartender, “no charge”

John was sitting outside his

local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good

about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts

decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of
yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
Alcohol is the blood of the
devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the
offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother
Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How
can you be sure that what
you are saying is right?”

“Don’t
be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it

is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun,
sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman
to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will
ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he

lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka
in a
teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

Two guys
were in a bar,
and they were both watching the television when the news
came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously

suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet
you
$10 he won’t,” said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the
television closed his eyes and threw himself off
the bridge. The second guy
hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said
the first guy. “I cheated you. The
same story was on the five
o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said
the second guy. “I saw the five
o’clock news too. I just didn’t think
the guy was dumb enough to
jump again!”

A
serious drunk walked
into a bar and, after staring for some time at the
only woman seated
at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She
jumped up and
slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained,
“I’m
sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she

screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a

Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a
great-looking
female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver
and
cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman
says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies,
“That’s not good
enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says,
“That’s not
creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says,
“Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”