Jokes Bucket

“What makes you think the
prisoner was
drunk?” asked the judge. “Well, Your Honor,” replied the
arresting
officer, “I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with
it,
and when I asked him what it was for he said, ‘I want to listen to

it on my record-player!’ “

Judge: Tell me your occupation.
Prisoner;
I’m a locksmith, Your Honour.
Judge: Then what were you doing in a
jewellery shop in the middle of
the night when the police saw you?

Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!

Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
“Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s
your
name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,”
sneered the burglar. “What idiot
named you Clarence?”
The parrot said,
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus.”

Bill: Where did you
get that gold watch
Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated
in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He
got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

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