Jokes Bucket

A forester and a lawyer were in car
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.

St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy

vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,

which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge

mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the
forester says
“Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before.”

Three men were standing in line to get
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty
close to full today, and I’ve
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife

has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he
wouldn’t fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go
and fell — but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the
man in.

The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty

horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside
a
refrigerator…”

A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you

done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then

said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the

street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and

after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint
Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s

more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint

Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,

too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, “Heaven’s getting
pretty close to full today, and I’ve been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it,
he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go
and fell — but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a

heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the
man in.

The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being

full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when

suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m
here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding
inside a
refrigerator…”

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets

to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few
questions.

“Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”.

“OK,” the man says. “Why
did you make women so pretty?”

GOD says, “So you would like them.”

“OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”

“So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies.

The man ponders
a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them
such airheads?”

GOD says, “So they would love you!”

A religious man is on top of a roof

during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get

in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle.”

Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause “God
will grant him a
miracle.”

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down.”
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, “I don’t know what you’re c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter.”

« Older Entries