Jokes Bucket

So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, “You’re
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There’s a bass player
named ‘Mingus’ and a
pianist named ‘Monk’, and any day now we
expect this ‘Blakey’ guy to
show up with his drums.

“Wow!”
the guy says, “I never imagined heaven would be this good.”

The
man in the robe says, “This is hell, not heaven. There’s a girl

singer.”

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: “Lads, I’m here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don’t step on any of the ducks
or you’ll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he’s ever laid eyes on, and she said,”Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we’re together for all time.”And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he’s ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
“I don’t understand
it!” The young beauty answered, “Well I’m
sure I don’t either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck.”

Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. “This
reminds me of
Finnegan,” remarked one.

“What about Finnegan?” inquired the
other.

“‘Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: ‘It’s a fine job you’ve had here for a long
time.’ ‘Well,
Finnegan,’ said St. Peter, ‘here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.’ ‘Ah!’ said
Finnegan, ‘I’m needing
cash. Lend me a cent.’ ‘Sure,’ said St.
Peter, ‘just wait a
minute.’”

Three people die, a Doctor a school
teacher
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor ‘what did you do on
Earth?’

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would

do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, ‘you may go
in.’

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught

educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her ‘you may
go
in.’

St. Peter asked the third man, ‘what did you do?’
The man hung his
head and replied, ‘I ran a large HMO.’ To which
St. Peter replied,
‘you may go in, but you can only stay 3
days.’

One day while walking down the street

a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said
St.Peter. “Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it
this far and
we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like
to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think
I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in
Heaven”, said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the
executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in
heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for
a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought
I’d say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. “I don’t
understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and
smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you’re staff.”

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